How to Prepare for Divorce Mediation
/If you’re headed toward a mediation, you’ve got something challenging and probably upsetting going on in your life. For your mediation to go well, you want to be as prepared as possible. One aspect of preparation is knowing what to expect from the mediation process itself. Read about that here.
Additionally, there are things you can do both practically and emotionally that will put you in a more prepared place.
Let’s start with finances. You’ll need to know what you have, what you owe, what you earn and what you spend. Pull together a list of all assets including bank, investment and retirement accounts. Anything that holds your money. Note the balance, who’s name the account is under and if it was started during the marriage or before.
Next, create a list of all debts. This includes credit cards, mortgage, car loans, personal loans, equity loans, taxes, etc. Again, write down the balance, name on the account and when it began.
Now, for your income. Look at your paystubs or tax statements or bank statements. You’ll want to know both the gross amount (before taxes) and net amount. Also write down bonuses, regular family gifts, dividends and the like. Calculate the monthly amount, if you can.
Finally, list your expenses. Include everything such as rent, utilities, groceries, gas, loan payments, insurance and Netflix. Here’s a form you can use to stay organized. If you have children, take stock of their expenses, also. Could be tuition, soccer fees, therapy costs, etc. Click here for a cheat sheet.
Also for children, give some thought as to what a parenting plan might look like. Consider the children’s ages and activities as well as parents’ schedules. Alternating weeks might a fit for older children whereas a 2-2-3 schedule might be better for a toddler (a 2-2-3 schedule is two days with parent one, two days with parent two and then back with parent one for three days. The next weekend it switches to parent two). Maybe have more than one idea for parenting so you can be flexible if needed.
Keep in mind that this is a negotiation and therefore you will likely need to compromise. Create a list of all the things that will need to be discussed from the retirement to the house to the lawnmower. Write down 1. What you really, really want; 2. What you would like to have; and, 3. What you can let go of. This will help you define your hard and soft lines for negotiation.
Now, on the emotional side of preparation, think ahead about what might trigger you into a negative whirlwind. What words set you off? What issues are sensitive to you? Sit quietly while you consider these and write them down. With these identified, you can come up with strategies ahead of time to manage those emotions.
The goal is to remain calm, so you can respond rather than react to anything that is said. Remember, in mediation, you choose what you agree to or not. So, if an outlandish proposal is made by the other person, you don’t need to erupt emotionally when what you want to say is, “that’s not going to work for me.” It will be helpful think this through ahead of time so you’ll be able to say that calmly.
Techniques and strategies to get you there include:
Pause before you respond so you can choose your words carefully.
Take some deep, long breathes to slow your nervous system.
Ask for a break and moving out of the room for a few minutes. While out of the room, stretch to bring oxygen into your body and to physically relax.
Ask questions to gather more information.
Ask to table that particular issue and come back to it later.
When you are well prepared, you’ll feel more confident and calm and more likely to have a successful mediation.
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