A Messy Divorce

A divorce becomes “messy” when one or both people try to get more than is fair. Or realistic. Or even logical. An easy example is when – with all other things being equal - there’s X amount of dollars in savings and one person wants all or most of it. The other person might argue back that that’s not fair, why not split it down the middle? 50-50? When the first person doesn’t agree and the second person doesn’t give in, they’re now in a fight for the money. Messy.

But divorce, as with most of life, is not that clear cut. All things are usually not equal. One person may have a higher potential for earning. Or one person may have been unfaithful. Or, maybe, one person spent a lot of money over the years that the other person didn’t know about or didn’t agree with. In any of these scenarios, what is “fair?”

In mediation, the definition of fair is yours to define. You were once as close as two people can get and only you really know the intimate dynamics. If it doesn’t seem fair to an outsider well then that really doesn’t matter. Ultimately, what matters most is how you feel about it. I often say that if it is okay enough, then it’s okay.

How you got to this place matters. What also matters, is how you want to handle things now; how much you are willing to let go of and what do you need to hold on to.

As a mediator, I try to help you explore what it is that you’re holding on to and why so you can make a reasonable and logical decision about whether to continue to holding on (which might make things messy) or if you can let it go (which better allows you to move forward). There is no one or easy answer so it takes a little time and thought.

Sometimes, we humans hold on to things for reasons beyond the obvious. The money in the above examples may mean more to both people than the actual dollar amount. It might represent their history, their feelings toward each other or fear of their unknown future. It could also represent revenge or punishment.

When things feel messy, take some time to examine what the issues in the situation really mean to you. Necessity, history, fear, revenge? Take a step back and put a wider perspective on the matter so you can make a wise decision about whether to continue to hold on or if you can let go and move on.