Amicable or Contentious?

 Divorce, just like many things in life, can be either amicable or contentious. Or some of both. Depending on the circumstances, it can really come down to your goals and intentions. How do you want things to go? What choices will you make so things go that way?

I’ve been witness to some very amicable separations and divorces where there is no outward anger or hostility and they’re both genuinely seeking what will feel fair to both of them. In these cases, they work together to figure it out making each other (sometimes very generous) offers for a settlement. They want the other person to be taken care of and comfortable and unhurt. There’s respect, dignity and civility.

And then I’ve seen some really ugly, mean-spirited, spiteful divorces where the goal is revenge. These are the ones that drag out for months or years costing tens or thousands of dollars. There’s a lot of blame and resentment and declarations of victimhood. There’s dishonesty and deception, name calling and worse.

So what’s the difference in people who handle things amicably and those who go into attack mode? For the amicable ones, they continue to share love for each other and their wish for them to continue to be happy beyond the divorce. They themselves seem like they’ll be okay after all this and are handling it realistically, patiently and well (which always impresses me!).

For folks on the dark side, the feeling of rejection is too much for their ego so they feel they have to fight back. Some actually enjoy the competition of the fight. People with extreme personalities, such as narcissism, get a rise out of hurting the other person.

Ironically, there’s one quality that is shared between the two types of people, the kind and the cruel. And that quality is intention. In either scenario, they are choosing how they’ll treat their soon-to-be ex during the divorce process and after. They have the bigger picture in mind and they’re working toward it. They want certain things for their ex and they want to be the one to make it happen for them – be it success or despair. With every move they make, what they intend to do and how to be guide them.

Even under the very hard circumstance of divorce, people can and do choose to be kind, calm and fair. It is not easy! But they find a way to do it. If they share children, they have a big motivation to get through the process peacefully. It is said that how you handle your divorce shows how you will handle co-parenting.

You can’t control the other person and how they are going to act. You can only control yourself and that is best done by thinking ahead about how you want to be and then be that.

The good news is that even if you’re in a contentious relationship and therefore a contentious divorce, mediation can help balance things out so you can both move forward. If you’re not sure, give me a call and we can see if mediation might be a fit.