A Friendly Divorce?

Why Do Some Couples Come Out of Divorce as Friends?

And others can’t stand the sight of each other?

In my years as a divorce mediator, I’ve seen the full range of relationship dynamics between divorcing couples. On one end of the spectrum are those who can’t even stand to be in the same room together and at the other end are those who sit on the same side of the table and openly express their fondness of their soon-to-be ex. These are also the folks who are flexible and collaborate to find the best solution for both of them.

So how do the happy divorcing people do it? Especially when there’s so much to be upset about! Okay, maybe they’re not full-on happy but there is a marked difference in how they make tough decisions during disagreement and how the not-quite-at-all happy folks do.

Here are some patterns with happy divorcing people that I've seen:

1. They’ve accepted the giant change of divorce as fact. It is happening and they realize that arguing about old points of contention from the past keep them in the past.

2. They’ve let go of resentments. Mostly, at least. This is a tough one, for sure, but the more you hang on to resentments, the more likely you’ll also be plotting retaliation. Tempting, I know, but not healthy for moving forward.

3. They give grace to the other person. Recognizing that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes and that new behaviors are hard to learn, they give each other space for their foibles. They let things go.

4. They share. They share money and debt and responsibility. They look at it like these things are owned by the team that is marriage and therefore should be shared by the new team that is divorce.

5. They find a way to appreciate the time they had and the memories they shared together. The fact that they’re divorcing doesn’t make those memories lesser for them. They see it as a time continuum where those were good times and now we’ve change so we’re moving on.

6. They are getting good at setting new boundaries for themselves. Acting divorced even if friendly is not the same as acting married. The better you get at ‘divorcing behaviors’ the easier things will get.

The key here is s that they respect each other’s boundaries and priorities. This goes back to giving grace, letting go of resentments, and not seeking retaliation. If one person is fighting an issue not because it is one of their priorities but because it’s the priority of the other person, it’s likely they are bitter and resentful, which does not make for an amicable divorce. If they’re both trying to figure out what is going to feel fair for both of them, they’re doing great.